In the Moment | Valerie Koop » Photographs Captured

Mar 11 2013

{ your very first time }

The visit was an accident. A first for her that happened on a mild winter day, walking hand in hand with me as she asked where we were going.

Where we were going, sweet little girl, is to see where your Dad’s Memorial Bench sits… we’re going because as I watch you run around the playground, I feel him watching you and I hear him telling me to bring you to him.

He’s been waiting for you. And he wanted to be near the playground so that he could watch you run and play. Did you know that he thought about this moment long before he died?

And so we walked hand in hand.

And I stood there as she traced the engraved letters of ‘Father’ and listened to her as she remarked to him, “You have an “r” in your name just like I do.”

And we talked about her Guardian Angel and she talked about dreaming of him and how he sits with her but doesn’t speak.

And as we left, I asked her if she wanted to say anything or ask me anything?

And she climbed up onto his bench, and said as loud as her little voice could muster, “I love you Daddyyyyyyy!”

Baby Bear, I just needed to tell you how proud I am of you. If only everyone could have a heart with the capacity for love that yours holds. If only.

And I needed to tell you that you made Wayne a very happy and very proud Daddy that day. Somehow, for all the views he has in Heaven, I don’t think he has ever seen you so up close or shine so bright as you did for him this day.

This, still.

This still is crippling. I wait for the time when the ‘firsts’ of things give away to something other than this.

I would give anything to know how he was feeling. What he was thinking. There is no getting used to eternal silence.

Posted in After, Claire, wayne

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Cathy M. - March 11, 2013 - 5:52 pm

You are such a brave and honest blogger…I felt your pain and Claire’s pain when reading this…how wonderful that she has a sweet place to go to talk to her Daddy. You are doing a fabulous job, Val. And certainly Wayne is very proud of all 3 of you. hugs, Cathy

Kat - March 11, 2013 - 9:30 pm

Beautifully said, Val…thanks for sharing.

Kris - March 12, 2013 - 8:07 am

Susan - March 12, 2013 - 3:24 pm

I know you are going to make this private again, and I wanted to respect that but can’t help but point out to you the “very odd” shape of the trees in the background to Claire’s left. It so clearly looks like the shape of a man in the space between the trunks. That seems so appropriate at this time……weird the miracles god creates….looks like he is telling you I AM HERE

Julie Roberts - March 12, 2013 - 6:55 pm

So beautiful! Your words, her heart!

Britt - March 12, 2013 - 9:15 pm

Thank you for sharing. I always seem to get a lump in my throat when I read your posts…sometimes happy sometimes sad, but I always feel with you Val. You go on loving and living girl. I love ya!

jill - March 13, 2013 - 9:27 am

love you… am convinced that visit. that day. happened for a reason.

whitney - March 13, 2013 - 11:08 am

just beautiful.

Jesicca Kallas - March 13, 2013 - 1:22 pm

Again, thank you! You are incredible, amazing, courageous. Although we don’t know one another, you inspire me. I love your willingness to share.
XOXO

Dana - March 13, 2013 - 9:29 pm

Love. And hugs.

Tricia - March 14, 2013 - 10:45 am

Dear Val,
I sobbed through the end of the previous post (I read out of order) and this one. As a mother. As a mother Who can not imagine what all of “this” must feel like. Your commitment to yourself, to C2 and to Rylan and Grace is a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing this bit of your journey with us. For sharing your heart. Because it’s a beautiful thing to see such truth. <3

xo*tricia

Susan M. - March 14, 2013 - 2:46 pm

I am in tears here at my desk at work, trying to wipe them away and pretend that I am not really crying! I myself lost my mom when I was 1 year old. I am now 37 years old, and my dad is now only beginning to scratch the surface to tell me about her. I will commend you for keeping Wayne alive for your kids. You are doing such an important thing for them. I was the kid who always said that her mom died, and had nothing to tell about her. It was a really awful feeling! Your kids will know that they were loved by Wayne, even if only for a short time, and will know that they are also loved by their new dad. The no gaps of information that you talk about I think is so important. It will give them a idea of where they came from, where their beginnings were. You are a great mom and doing your best, with raw emotions still around I am sure! I too often wonder what your protected posts look like, and this one I am very happy to have been able to read! If you want to share any of these again, I will for sure be reading away!

Rochelle - March 14, 2013 - 8:44 pm

Your courage and beautiful words inpsire me every single time I read. Thank you once again for sharing.

mrs valdez - March 28, 2013 - 1:40 am

Wow Susan, At first I didn’t see it but when I did I got the chills. Just the upper body. Sweet thought. Like Daddy watching over her.

Mar 07 2013

{ tiny }

When I was pregnant and obsessing about Claire’s nursery, I bought 2 blankets that I thought would make the cut to become her favorite.

Fast forward five years later, and one is in perfect condition, and one is falling apart.

“Tiny” – her pet name for her blanket, cannot be stitched or mended or saved at this point, so it was time to make sure we got pictures of it before it was tucked away in her memory bins.

How is it that time zooms by like this?

Claire Estelle, you still have to have it “flat” before closing your eyes to sleep at night (satin side up), and you still make nursing movements with your lips just like you used to when, well, I nursed you. So often I lay beside you during nap time, wishing I had my video camera to record you doing this.

This image captures your baby characteristics that I never ever want to forget… Your piggies in a constant state of falling out, dragging your blanket around, and running with a gate that threatens a topple-over at any moment.

Stay little for just a bit longer, okay? I’m not sure I can take all this growing up and wearing out.

XOXO.

Posted in Claire

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Mar 06 2013

Protected: { making and breaking and mending again}

Posted in Caeden, Claire, Grace

Mar 06 2013

{ kind of the same but not }

Swimming like a fish, but thankfully not looking like one (trout, anyone?).

Busy being a Mom, reading new books after the kids are in bed, and ignoring Social Media for the most part.

Chopped off my hair, trying to find room for that much-needed craft room, and making Nana’s Soup Recipe for dinner (beans and veggies and finished with lots of Kale).

Ry and I are watching Downton Abby (finally – where have we been?!).

Very simple but a very satisfying little life I have going on.

Did I tell you I applied for Nursing School? Trying to find the nerve to build a photography studio but find myself wanting a ‘plan b.’

I guess I am more conservative than I thought. More fearful than I admit.

I think I applied when I wasn’t really feeling camera-love (burnt out, I think) but I can feel the itch again.

So maybe a studio will win in the end.

(I hope so, actually.)

Anyway. Wanted to remember Claire Bear Estelle in her vintage swimming suit that is anything but vintage (Target) but so dang adorable, so thought a post was in order.

Taken with my phone and loving it more than anything coming from a fancy DSLR.

Have you seen the Canvas Prints that are nothing but a collage of Instagram-ish photos from your phone?

I have a series in mind for the girls’ bathroom (sand and swimming suits are perfect for the bathroom, if you ever struggle to decorate a child’s bathroom, dress them up in a swimming suit with goggles or wearing a ridiculous inner tube, and you have perfect prints for that tricky room).

Anyway.

Too much coffee and I ramble. Like usual.

XO.

Posted in Claire

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