Oct 01 2012

{ looking for her }

It’s being afraid I’ve let a ball drop somewhere.

It’s loving another little girl who calls me “Ooooh Bal” with a sigh when I call her my sparkle donut.

It’s being referred to as “my wife” that still makes me catch my breath.

It’s being a Photographer that is so busy that I have to turn business away.

It’s being a sister to someone that I cannot stand not to talk to daily.

It’s about feeling unsure sometimes about how I fit into/navigate in my new family.

It’s about being a better friend.

It’s about reassuring Cade that someone will always be there to pick him up from school (my little guy has abandonment issues/anxiety about being left since Wayne died).

It’s about giving the benefit of the doubt.

It’s about secretly crying when you’re tired of doing the above.

It’s about reorganizing when life isn’t running as smoothly as it can.

It’s about taking responsibility.

It’s about not being so easily defined.

It’s about growing up. Doing the best you can.

And it’s about the text I got from Dad today that made me smile and feel so loved:

“We need a family picture of the 5 of you for our house in AZ and in SD.”

It’s about the censoring I do here because I am extremely self conscious of being taken the wrong way.

It’s about still finding Val.

And it’s about looking for her in the eyes of the people pictured above.

XOXO.

Posted in Finding Val.

16 comments

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heather - October 1, 2012 - 1:45 pm

hi val! you made my day with this. life is so hard. and we are all struggling in some way. i check your blog everyday. and i do love that you are reserved b/c i struggle with the same stuff and somewhere in being a mom, and the blurriness of life, we lose ourselves and somehow, someway, we are all trying to find the person we were meant to be. thanks for being you. xo…

Betsy - October 1, 2012 - 2:10 pm

oh how I love your blog !! always makes my day — I also see that your folks live in AZ- do you come here ever to take pictures?

rc - October 1, 2012 - 2:53 pm

Love your blog. Please don’t stop writing or posting your beautiful pics. The pic from today would only be made better by you being in it. Gorgeous.

Susan - October 1, 2012 - 3:23 pm

…..here is to number 6 one day..the only thing that might be more perfect than 5 which is pretty darn awsome Happy days (even the perfectly imperfect days)

Jen - October 1, 2012 - 5:22 pm

Val – You have a beautiful family. Like a mini-Brady Bunch. Just keep being you and let the rest fall into place. There are always growing pains with anything worth your effort.

Cheering for you and appreciating your honesty and struggle.

Jen

Beth - October 1, 2012 - 11:49 pm

you are awesome. I’ve loved reading your blog for a good time now. I’ve never commented. I’ve noticed you commenting on how you are self concious about what you write on your blog and I just want to say that I so appreciate your honesty and I don’t feel like your blog is not true and honest and real. I feel like you share so much and I so appreciate your honesty and I think you awesome! And I’m so happy for you that you’ve found love again and you just go on and do your thing and don’t be hard on yourself. xo
Beth

Linda Chaplin - October 2, 2012 - 6:59 am

Hi Val. Beautiful family and beautiful and honest thoughts. I, too, enjoy your candor and the beautiful way you write!

Lita - October 2, 2012 - 11:13 am

I agree with your family–we need a photo of the five of you!

Karen - October 2, 2012 - 12:45 pm

That Dad (assuming that is Wayne’s Dad) melts my heart. How sweet of him to make that request.

Valerie - October 2, 2012 - 12:53 pm

Karen … yeah, “that” Dad IS Wayne’s Dad. Love him to bits and forget (very often) that he isn’t really mine. Don’t think I’ll ever admit he isn’t.

Susan … I’ve re-read your comment a thousand times. Makes me smile. But then I when I watch the three we have run around, it makes me scared.
I want an itty bitty. We’re just waiting to catch our breath.

Everyone else … thank you for continuing to read. I have gotten so boring! I’m frozen. If only I could tell you what I was REALLY thinking.

XO.

Jesicca Kallas - October 2, 2012 - 2:10 pm

You are charming. I love that you are still ‘finding’ yourself. Isn’t everyday a self discovery day… And what an amazing mad your ‘dad’ is!

kelly - October 2, 2012 - 9:46 pm

To be selfish, it makes my day when I see you have a new post. I enjoy it all, even the censored bits. I say ‘dang it’ to the password protected posts, but fully understand and appreciate that. i hope you continue to post, even if you feel frozen…maybe you’ll thaw out a bit more, who knows!?. and yes, a family picture of 5 posting is needed. hoping you catch your breath for that itty bitty someday!

Marci - October 3, 2012 - 8:49 am

I love this post and the picture…so sweet!
I would love to know what Caeden was thinking in this picture. I have many of these faces in my pictures and they are usually saying “seriously mom, can we be done so I can go play”
many of us share your thoughts,fears and frustrations. keep writing, I love all your posts!

melissa simmons - October 3, 2012 - 2:57 pm

I can only imagine how difficult it is to open up to everyone about everything. I couldn’t do it. But….i can also only imagine that i would love your writing more even if it included things you felt necessary to tone down or exclude. Wouldn’t it be great if you could have a secret password for those of us who pinky promise to never pass judgement??!! I think the best thing i get out of your honesty is a mirror in which to ask myself “am i doing what i want to do?”, “am i being who i want to be?” and “are you sure about the answers to those two?”.
About catching your breath……I love the fact that my kids are spaced apart. To see my 11 yo son dance with his 3yo sister while Dancing With the Stars is on makes me melt…that, and so many other things.

denise - October 8, 2012 - 8:42 am

ahhh..this so so true to so many of us..you are not alone in all these thoughts

Rhonda - October 10, 2012 - 6:12 pm

I’m sooooo happy for you beautiful sister! You ARE amazing inside and out!!!Your family is the luckiest to being able to call you their own! Keep Shining like you do! Love from across the world

In the Moment | Valerie Koop

{ looking for her }