Last night at Cade’s soccer practice, Mom told me that someone from church told her to tell me hi. That we’ve never met, but she reads the blog daily and wanted me to know.
And I told Mom that I feel like apologizing to everyone because my posts have been so vanilla and boring. Even for me.
And if I told you why, you’d probably laugh. But I’ll tell you anyway.
I’ve never really thought about who was reading before. I seemed to throw up all sorts of emotional baggage, mostly just talking to myself, and not worrying what might come across.
I just didn’t understand the judgement side of things.
And now I worry about who is reading, and why, and what they will say, or what they will think.
I guess I’m wishing there was a way to password protect what I REALLY want to say and keep it from the world without excluding you.
But I can’t.
So I find myself totally censored and careful.
And I miss being myself here and I miss the freedom of not caring/knowing/feeling like there will be repercussions for what I say. But you know, there are.
And I have seen lots of my favorite blog writers seize up like I have, and I was always sad because whatever gave them their shine was stripped away somewhere/somehow.
And the reality is, when it happens, the last thing they do is post WHY.
I keep taking pictures and keep posting stuff I want to share. And I’m still trying to work up the nerve to start really sharing again.
Like yesterday. I posted a picture and that was IT because I kept deleting what I wanted to write. Pissed me off that I was catering to an audience instead of my heart.
(So thank you for still reading. Going to move past boring and back into goodness, okay?)
But today I have a few things to say and I hope you’ll let me just say them.
Like I have been working up the nerve to order Wayne’s memorial bench for the park and how I have had a special poem tucked away for this day.
And I wonder how I’ll work up the nerve to take Caeden because he doesn’t like to talk about Wayne.
And how Claire calls him “My Big Daddy in Heaven” who “has a broken leg but is getting fixed” and who wants to visit him so she can hug and kiss him.
And I worry about Rylan because he is so good to the kids and they love him so much, and it’s so hard to bring Wayne up when we are trying to teach them it is okay to be happy and move on …
But how it is not okay to ever forget.
And he is so good at helping me with this. He rolls with it. Even when I fall apart when the subject of Wayne comes up. (I almost broke dozens of dishes in the kitchen the other day while unloading the dishwasher as Claire was telling Rylan’s friends all about Wayne. I need to learn to relax. Or just leave the room. Serious.)
Do you know what the point of throwing a rock on the hopscotch is all about?
They both do it, and I have no idea why. I just pretend like I do, and toss the rock, too.
Did you see these dresses at Target this year? Twenty bucks!
There for awhile I was in withdrawals from not being within driving distance to Anthro or JCrew.
I have found that if it doesn’t exist at Target, I really don’t need it. (I can’t stand ordering online. I need instant gratification. Besides, getting up to find my purse to get my credit card number requires too much work!)
That’s all I’ve got.