Feb 08 2012

{ for the sake of what was }

(Do you remember when the amazing women at Matilda Jane coordinated with Jami and Mike to create this experience for the kids? They still talk about it.)

Wayne’s passing on Feb. 5th has come and gone.

Not sure how to commemorate it because his bench isn’t set yet, nor have we spread his ashes.

Thinking releasing balloons with pictures and messages from the kids on them was a good idea, except Cade wasn’t into it, and I think Claire would have been devastated to let them go (she has a thing for them).

And I am still angry that he didn’t leave them letters or let me record his voice or nor did he read books with recordable messages for them to listen to.

I get very angry, in fact, because THOSE are the things I’d like them to be able to look at, listen to, sift through when they need to talk about him.

We needed more to hold onto.

(And makes me happy I decided to blog. Gave him a voice even when he didn’t want one. God, he was stubborn.)

So. I’ve sat on what to do.

Caeden and Claire love Ry… and I feel good that they want to move on with him … and at the same time I feel guilty that unless I talk about Wayne, they will never remember him.

It’s a balancing act of moving forward but not letting go.

And I don’t know how to do that for them.

But I know if I was the one who had died, and Wayne had found a new love …

I would be thrilled for him but would want to beg him to never let my babies forget who I was. How much I loved them. How leaving them behind was harder than any chemo or surgery endured.

And so I try hard to act on ways to honor him.

And I thought of the balloons again.

I thought perhaps I could get bunches of them, place them here and there, and let the kids discover them.

A thought is to tie them to the old fence along the stretch of road to our house and let Caeden and Claire see them waiting in the distance.

Pull over, let them grab them, take them home.

And maybe have a message from Wayne on them.

Thinking if I did this every once in awhile, it makes them excited to talk about Wayne …?

Little gifts from him to them.

Claire tells me all the time that her Daddy is in Heaven getting fixed and when he is all done he is going to play with her.

Something he was never, ever able to do.

And I have no doubt that he tells her that in her dreams.

Anyway.

Something I’m thinking about.

Posted in Caeden, Cancer, Claire, wayne

17 comments

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Denise - February 8, 2012 - 12:38 pm

i love exactly what you said, everything you said, and how you said it.
perfectly put.

Lita - February 8, 2012 - 1:05 pm

Love this. Bless you and your whole sweet family.

stefanie - February 8, 2012 - 1:46 pm

Oh my! I thought you moderated your comments! Feel free to remove that up there
wish I knew how to right now . . .

Kimberly - February 8, 2012 - 2:41 pm

Love, Love, Love this idea. Very Special.

Abby - February 8, 2012 - 3:15 pm

Another thought…maybe you could write on the balloons things that would prompt discussions about him; like “the first time he saw your face” or “our first date was…”

Susan Martin - February 8, 2012 - 3:29 pm

Wow….this posting made my eyes water. All those things that you wished Wayne had done or left for the kids, are things that I would want too if I was going though the same thing that you were going through. I lost my mom when I was one year old, and no one ever talked about her while I was growing up. I have on ealbum of some photos of her and I, but there really weren’t alot of them. I really am sad that no one talked about her with me and I resent it. You as a mom, are keeping Wayne alive in your actions, and things that you do, and I commend you for that! Your kids will appreciate it later more than you know.

Kaitlyn - February 8, 2012 - 3:39 pm

I am always thankful when you post about your raw feelings and about remembering and how to carry on the memories. I lost my dad 8 months ago and want my kids to remember him without me having to be so forceful about it. I regret not having more videos, those dumb hallmark reading books. I appreciate reading “MOST” people’s comments (Stefanie above) and if they have been through the death of a loved one, their take on it all too. Thanks for keeping your blog going.

whitney - February 8, 2012 - 6:23 pm

i can only imagine your struggle with this…but i think you’ve done and are doing a wonderful job. your kids are going to have the wonderful memories of their father in heaven and a new daddy on earth to give them the hugs and kisses they will need. love you–thanks, once again, for sharing your heart with us.

JWatts - February 8, 2012 - 7:21 pm

You outline the problem so clearly here. We, your faithful readers, were never the intended audience. They were. Write from your heart, for them, and your voice–that elusive ‘edge’–will return.

Sue - February 8, 2012 - 9:09 pm

You have not lost your edge or your voice, that was beautiful……I feel you already know the answers to your questions…it is the answer that resonates inside you…follow that one not any from the outside. The outside voices are just noise at this point…follow your heart. Let the joy flow out….you deserve happiness, it is what he wanted for you. Maybe he was afraid that you wouldn’t be able to move forward. It is wonderful how you plan to keep him alive and honour him and still move forward. It is never easy whether by death or divorce to find out where everyone fits in the kids lives…but something tells me you know how to fit it all in beautifully. All my best wishes for you all, Sue

Laura - February 8, 2012 - 9:13 pm

you honor him every damn day just by loving his babies and providing them with this wonderful life. this blog is their memory. your beautiful photos are their memories. your words, your hugs, your conversations – they all provide them with memories and stories about their dad. don’t doubt that Val. and being happy in the next chapter is exactly. what. he. would. want. for. you. have i told you how lucky those kids are to have you? have i? let me remind you again.

Kris - February 9, 2012 - 7:03 am

Do what you feel in your heart to be right, Val. You’ll be criticized anyways.
@Stephanie—amazing. I love the way your family keeps your sister’s memory alive.

Lita - February 9, 2012 - 7:25 am

And Stafanie–I know you didn’t want that comment public, but it’s beautiful. What a lovely way to honor your sister.

Helen March - February 9, 2012 - 8:39 pm

You are an amazing, awesome Mom. You continue to inspire me.

Ann - February 9, 2012 - 8:46 pm

Those little sweeties are so lucky to have you. Thank you for continuing your story. I love checking in on you all.

kay thompson - February 9, 2012 - 9:53 pm

you should write a book. i’d buy it and make all my friends buy it, too. you help us all to remember that life is an amazing thing and that we can survive even the most unimaginable circumstances and come out on the other side wiser, stronger and even more lovely than we were before.

Cathy M. - February 12, 2012 - 10:05 am

Your kids are so young and I am sure that you will continue to honor Wayne. Kids live a bit more in the present than adults and perhaps that is what is best for them at this time. As they grow older they will ask you many questions about their Dad and you will be able to tell them wonderful stories and you will show them pictures, which is an incredible gift. Perhaps even just a single photo (that is all their own) placed somewhere in your kids’ environment like a special drawer or tucked in a closet (where they can visit their Dad and talk to him privately) would be meaningful. Is there something that Wayne loved to do? Sometimes these things come to you in time. But perhaps it is the planting of a tree that will grow big & strong or a favorite pastime? If water made Wayne relaxed, perhaps you could have a fountain at your new home? Or is there a flower that Wayne would bring to you, like a rose or hydrangea, that you could try to grow in your yard?

You are an amazing woman and you will make sure that the kids never forget their father. I think it is a testament to your mothering that they are ready to move on with Ry.

My view on blogging is that I write when I want to and what I want to write about. Stay true to yourself and everything, including “da blog” will fall into place. I feel privileged to read your blog. hugs, cathy

In the Moment | Valerie Koop

{ for the sake of what was }