(Do you remember when the amazing women at Matilda Jane coordinated with Jami and Mike to create this experience for the kids? They still talk about it.)
Wayne’s passing on Feb. 5th has come and gone.
Not sure how to commemorate it because his bench isn’t set yet, nor have we spread his ashes.
Thinking releasing balloons with pictures and messages from the kids on them was a good idea, except Cade wasn’t into it, and I think Claire would have been devastated to let them go (she has a thing for them).
And I am still angry that he didn’t leave them letters or let me record his voice or nor did he read books with recordable messages for them to listen to.
I get very angry, in fact, because THOSE are the things I’d like them to be able to look at, listen to, sift through when they need to talk about him.
We needed more to hold onto.
(And makes me happy I decided to blog. Gave him a voice even when he didn’t want one. God, he was stubborn.)
So. I’ve sat on what to do.
Caeden and Claire love Ry… and I feel good that they want to move on with him … and at the same time I feel guilty that unless I talk about Wayne, they will never remember him.
It’s a balancing act of moving forward but not letting go.
And I don’t know how to do that for them.
But I know if I was the one who had died, and Wayne had found a new love …
I would be thrilled for him but would want to beg him to never let my babies forget who I was. How much I loved them. How leaving them behind was harder than any chemo or surgery endured.
And so I try hard to act on ways to honor him.
And I thought of the balloons again.
I thought perhaps I could get bunches of them, place them here and there, and let the kids discover them.
A thought is to tie them to the old fence along the stretch of road to our house and let Caeden and Claire see them waiting in the distance.
Pull over, let them grab them, take them home.
And maybe have a message from Wayne on them.
Thinking if I did this every once in awhile, it makes them excited to talk about Wayne …?
Little gifts from him to them.
Claire tells me all the time that her Daddy is in Heaven getting fixed and when he is all done he is going to play with her.
Something he was never, ever able to do.
And I have no doubt that he tells her that in her dreams.
Something I’m thinking about.