There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not mourn for Wayne. For the tragedy that he will not ever feel the weight of Claire’s sleepy body as she is tucked into bed. That he will never be able to play Legos with Caeden or teach him to drive a car or give him advice on girls. You know the list goes on and on and on. I have probably repeated myself a thousand times here (but I do not go back and re-read anything I write) but I couldn’t help but go there again.
We’ve had thunderstorms during the afternoon the past couple of days and it was always Wayne’s favorite type of weather. He loved nothing more. While it was raining yesterday, I went down stairs and found his pillow that we brought home from the hospital. The one that cradled his head when he passed away and the one that has been hidden since that day because I could not stand the thought of someone else EVER touching it.
So I walked around the basement listening to the pattering of the rain drops against the windows of the house. Hugging the pillow and thinking how an afternoon rain shower is another thing he will never again witness and wondering what it would be like to never again have any sort of experience.
Never witness the beauty of a sunset on our deck. Smell our children. Hold hands. Celebrate our children growing older.
He is not here for Claire’s birthday on Friday. And before you tell me he IS here – I am telling you he is NOT here the way I want. I want him to pull out the video camera and I want him to sing Happy Birthday off-key, and I want him to dive into the cake and ice cream with the kids and I want him to squeeze me and share the incredible miracle that she is. For she was conceived when the cancer already existed in his body and I KNOW that God gave her to me not a moment too soon.
So yes. I will celebrate her and love her and be thankful and grateful for birthday. For her. But not for one moment will it carry me away to a place that doesn’t miss him with every ounce of my being. It just doesn’t work that way.
But my intent is to make sure the kids don’t see that. They will see candles and icing and presents. They will feel the love of their Mama as I live my life with intent. For them.