May 25 2011

{ with intent … }

There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not mourn for Wayne. For the tragedy that he will not ever feel the weight of Claire’s sleepy body as she is tucked into bed. That he will never be able to play Legos with Caeden or teach him to drive a car or give him advice on girls. You know the list goes on and on and on. I have probably repeated myself a thousand times here (but I do not go back and re-read anything I write) but I couldn’t help but go there again.

We’ve had thunderstorms during the afternoon the past couple of days and it was always Wayne’s favorite type of weather. He loved nothing more. While it was raining yesterday, I went down stairs and found his pillow that we brought home from the hospital. The one that cradled his head when he passed away and the one that has been hidden since that day because I could not stand the thought of someone else EVER touching it.

So I walked around the basement listening to the pattering of the rain drops against the windows of the house. Hugging the pillow and thinking how an afternoon rain shower is another thing he will never again witness and wondering what it would be like to never again have any sort of experience.

Never witness the beauty of a sunset on our deck. Smell our children. Hold hands. Celebrate our children growing older.

He is not here for Claire’s birthday on Friday. And before you tell me he IS here – I am telling you he is NOT here the way I want. I want him to pull out the video camera and I want him to sing Happy Birthday off-key, and I want him to dive into the cake and ice cream with the kids and I want him to squeeze me and share the incredible miracle that she is. For she was conceived when the cancer already existed in his body and I KNOW that God gave her to me not a moment too soon.

So yes. I will celebrate her and love her and be thankful and grateful for birthday. For her. But not for one moment will it carry me away to a place that doesn’t miss him with every ounce of my being. It just doesn’t work that way.

But my intent is to make sure the kids don’t see that. They will see candles and icing and presents. They will feel the love of their Mama as I live my life with intent. For them.

XOXO.

Posted in Claire

17 comments

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anonymous - May 25, 2011 - 9:49 am

Love you Val. I pray for your strength.

Julie Roberts - May 25, 2011 - 11:20 am

thinking of you and the little ones as you go into this holiday weekend.

Lita - May 25, 2011 - 11:39 am

I’m sorry that he isn’t here in the way that you want–in the way that he should be. I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting and how much you miss him. I am so sorry for your loss and that it just keeps resonating for you. I wish I could fix it, but I can’t.

I’m here and I think of you every single day. Sending strength and hope for better days to you…

XOXO

elizabeth pellette - May 25, 2011 - 12:52 pm

You are awesome.. and so so strong.. tears flow as I read this.. I continue to send you much love through the air.. invisible waves of love and strength.. as I know he is not there the way you want.. and that has to be unbearable.. but you are doing an amazing job with the kids from what I can tell.. an amazing job holding it together.. stay strong sweet Valerie..

Diane - May 25, 2011 - 1:19 pm

Great post Valerie. Thank You.

Leslie - May 25, 2011 - 3:58 pm

You can do it Valerie! Its going to hurt like hell but you are a survivor and one day he will hug you again and celebrate those little babies of yours! HUGS!

Cassie - May 25, 2011 - 4:00 pm

Happy Birthday Claire Bear! Love from the Furchner’s (and an extra squeeze to you, val, for putting on the brave face for them this weekend).

Leslie - May 25, 2011 - 4:12 pm

You%20can%20do%20it%20Valerie!%20Its%20going%20to%20hurt%20like%20hell%20but%20you%20are%20a%20survivor%20and%20one%20day%20he%20will%20hug%20you%20again%20and%20celebrate%20those%20little%20babies%20of%20yours!%20HUGS!
\

JESSICA - May 25, 2011 - 10:40 pm

Your blog makes me try harder to be a better mom and to appreciate what I have. Thank you.

beth - May 25, 2011 - 11:30 pm

Hugs to you Mamma!! I’m keeping you in my prayers. You are one amazing lady and you make me want to be a better mamma too. xoxo.

beth - May 25, 2011 - 11:32 pm

Hugs to you Mamma!! I’m keeping you in my prayers. You are one amazing lady and you make me want to be a better mamma too. xoxo.

Susan - May 26, 2011 - 4:53 pm

This line got the tears flowing: “For she was conceived when the cancer already existed in his body and I KNOW that God gave her to me not a moment too soon.” May you continue to heal in the best way that you can, and enjoy moments with your children as they grow. (((HUGS))) to you, as you hugged that pillow!

Tricia - May 27, 2011 - 10:14 am

Praying for continued strength, joy, and peace. I can’t begin to imagine what each day feels like without your Wayne, but I know that you will get through this. God, Caeden, and Claire will get you through. <3

xo*tricia

Tracy - May 27, 2011 - 2:57 pm

hugs, Val. And many prayers, as always.

Cathy - May 27, 2011 - 5:49 pm

happy birthday, c-bear. way to go, mama – you’re beauty and strength take my breath away. xoxo

Dani - May 28, 2011 - 10:33 am

Valerie,
Prayers to you!!!! For strength, for love, for endurance, for happy moments every day. I enjoy reading your blog. I don’t know what kind of cancer your husband had but I myself am fighting for my life and I feel like an angry mama bear sometimes, the desire to stick around and raise my 4 yr old son is so strong. I can’t imagine not being there for him, not teaching him things, not watching him go to dances, and on dates, to swimming lessons, and on and on. i CANT stand the thought of not being here every day to hug him and tell him how much I love him. He just learned to ride his brand new bike and I am SO happy to have been able to witness that for myself. I’m fighting every day. I wish blessings on you every day as you fight also for some normalcy, for healing.

Mirys - May 30, 2011 - 1:24 pm

Good morning, sweet friend!

Hoping you are feeling better today.

I (unfortunatelly) do understand what you mean. Each word. Each feeling. For me, to pass on by my husband´s birthday was nothing compared to passing on by my son´s birthday (18 days later). Be alone behind a party table, singing “happy birthday”, was terrible.

But… if if can calm and confort your heart, 2 months after Guigo´s birthday there I was again, behind the very same table, for Helen´s birthday (my daugther). And it was sooooo much better. Because I knew the pain, I knew the feeling, I knew how to behave, I knew what to say to everyone. It is like an school test… the more you train the more able you are to deal with it!

So, my dear friend, pretend! Pretend to be there! Pretend to be happy! Pretend nothing is missing. Pretend you live with intent. Because, in the end, some years away from now, the little ones will see the pictures and thinking nothing more that this was a happy day. Isn´t it that all birthdays should be? Happy?

God bless you all!!!
Mirys – from Brazil
http://www.diariodos3mosqueteiros.blogspot.com

PS: tomorrow would be Fernando´s birthday… and we decided to celebrate the date with friends creating a sort of campaing: spend time with someone that is important to you! Several blogs in Brazil are making posts about family and love. And tomorrow they will tell us “what” have they made to spend some special time with someone. We called that “the family day”.

I´ll really be glad if you could join us!
Write a post about love and / or family (and send me the link).
But, more important: tomorrow, spend some special time (with intent) with someone you really love.

In the Moment | Valerie Koop

{ with intent … }