(The view I imagine Wayne has. Watching. Out of the way but not. Right here but not quite here. Close but invisible.)
Yesterday I called my Mom after attempting to watch, “P.S. I Love you.” Couldn’t make it to the part that makes a person happy. Got stuck on the birthday cake scene when she got to hear his voice on a tape recorder.
Sat against the door with the sun pounding down on my back. Dialed Mom. “There’s my missing daughter,” she said with happiness in her voice.
I blurted out something like, “It is NOT a good idea to watch this movie and I … and I … he left me without a plan … he left me without his voice … he left me alone …”
Then I just cried and cried and cried.
Mom said quietly, “I was so hoping your days would get better, honey.”
And then I wiped the snot off my face and took a deep breath.
They are getting better, I assured her.
Just having a mild set back.
Truth is, I’m ready to embrace spring. Plant flowers, wear dresses, go for walks with the kids. Find out what it means to laugh again.
I’m really ready for some happiness to shine though the windows and land on me and the kids.
I’m ready and they are ready.
But … the longing to hear his voice had me digging through the storage room for music. CDs packed up long ago when I couldn’t be bothered to insert one into a CD player and opted for iTunes instead.
I found a CD we bought from the W Hotel. I remember we bought the robes, the music in the player, and fell in love with the mini Aveda bottles in the bathroom.
So I played it. The music is soothing and hip and edgy. Reminds me of music we’d play when we would entertain pre-children.
Then I came across (don’t laugh!) “The best of the Grammy’s 1996.”
Popped that one in the player.
And this song is on there.
Lyrics Here (You are Not Alone – MJ)
And it’s still on repeat.
I hear myself in it. I hear Caeden.
And I hear Wayne’s answer.
Tomorrow is my first attempt at attending church since he died.
Still haven’t been able to pray.
But I think about it a lot.
Hoping tomorrow helps me heal in a way that only He can help me with.