Apr 30 2011

{ You Are Not Alone. }

(The view I imagine Wayne has. Watching. Out of the way but not. Right here but not quite here. Close but invisible.)

Yesterday I called my Mom after attempting to watch, “P.S. I Love you.” Couldn’t make it to the part that makes a person happy. Got stuck on the birthday cake scene when she got to hear his voice on a tape recorder.

Sat against the door with the sun pounding down on my back. Dialed Mom. “There’s my missing daughter,” she said with happiness in her voice.

I blurted out something like, “It is NOT a good idea to watch this movie and I … and I … he left me without a plan … he left me without his voice … he left me alone …”

Then I just cried and cried and cried.

Mom said quietly, “I was so hoping your days would get better, honey.”

And then I wiped the snot off my face and took a deep breath.

They are getting better, I assured her.

Just having a mild set back.

Truth is, I’m ready to embrace spring. Plant flowers, wear dresses, go for walks with the kids. Find out what it means to laugh again.

I’m really ready for some happiness to shine though the windows and land on me and the kids.

I’m ready and they are ready.

But … the longing to hear his voice had me digging through the storage room for music. CDs packed up long ago when I couldn’t be bothered to insert one into a CD player and opted for iTunes instead.

I found a CD we bought from the W Hotel. I remember we bought the robes, the music in the player, and fell in love with the mini Aveda bottles in the bathroom.

So I played it. The music is soothing and hip and edgy. Reminds me of music we’d play when we would entertain pre-children.

Then I came across (don’t laugh!) “The best of the Grammy’s 1996.”

Popped that one in the player.

And this song is on there.

Lyrics Here (You are Not Alone – MJ)

And it’s still on repeat.

I hear myself in it. I hear Caeden.

And I hear Wayne’s answer.

Also …

Tomorrow is my first attempt at attending church since he died.

Still haven’t been able to pray.

But I think about it a lot.

Hoping tomorrow helps me heal in a way that only He can help me with.

Posted in After, Caeden, Finding Val.

16 comments

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Whitney - April 30, 2011 - 10:27 pm

Love you. That’s all.

Josh - April 30, 2011 - 11:04 pm

Lovely post and gorgeous image

Candy - May 1, 2011 - 12:29 am

let HIM in….feel His warmth….let His arms wrap around you and comfort you.

erica - May 1, 2011 - 12:55 am

Sending love…lots and lots of love

Erica - May 1, 2011 - 3:31 pm

I’ve been reading your blog for quite awhile. I just want you to know that you are not alone! You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I can’t imagine what you are going through. *hugs and lots of love*

chantelle - May 1, 2011 - 4:02 pm

sending strength. maybe you could start with a dremmel-you’ll impress your little one by drilling a hole through anything! (almost anything…but it works on lego for sure)

Amy - May 1, 2011 - 7:51 pm

I used to call my husbands cell phone over and over just to hear his voice. It was a long while before they re-assigned the number. I’m glad you found a way to hear Wayne’s voice.

Sounds like the movie is way to real at this point. It will wait.

nancy - May 1, 2011 - 8:16 pm

I love to read your blog and look at your beautiful pictures. Remember, He can hear you through your moans and cries…He can hear your pleads without you uttering a sound. Praying for peace and comfort today for you.

Mirys - May 2, 2011 - 7:07 am

My darling Val:

I´m so so so so so sorry! I should NOT have insisted on you to wacth that movie! I myself took a semester (at least) to see it… Maybe it was to soon for you…

I´m sincerely sorry for your terrible weekend…

If it helps (in some unthinkable way): I feel the same kind of pain and confusion and questioning. Me too… I was left here without goodbyes (i was not even prepared that it could happen to a 35 yo health father of 2 young kids!), without his voice, without little sweet notes of love, without a peace of my heart.

But I´m here! And so are you!
One year after the accident that have changed my life forever. Still missing… but still hoping for better days, still seeing the sunshines and sunrises, still loving my kids, still managing the life the best I can, still praying.

The sun always (I said always) shows up again. Our night can be longer (or we can feel it this way) but the sun WILL COME!!!

Kisses and blessings.
Mirys
http://www.diariodos3mosqueteiros.blogspot.com

PS: I really hope you went to church this weekend. It´s really a good thing to do!

Erica - May 2, 2011 - 8:42 am

Hello there…I’ve been reading your blog for a while now…i guess maybe 4 or 5 months. I wanted to share with you that your life has absolute purpose, even when you cant find which end is up. I read and i cry as i try to place myself in your shoes from time to time. I want you to know that i am praying for you today. “Heavenly Father, by the power of your HOly Spirit, would you help Valerie. She is strong and healthy and just needs a special touch from you today. One that only YOU can bring. Thank you for being so precious to her in her time of dependancy and desparation. Lord, I don’t know her, but You made her precious and special. Thank you that when we don’t understand, we can still stand and believe.”

May you be absolutely blessed today as the sun just shines. Remember, you share through your blog that life has meaning…..now go make it mean something just for today….because today is all we have.

In Him,
Erica

Valerie - May 2, 2011 - 9:17 am

Sweet Mirys …

It IS a good idea. You have nothing to be sorry for, silly. I just was in a mood. You are incredible and keep me strong! XOXO

jaime lackey - May 2, 2011 - 11:44 am

valerie. i can not even watch that movie myself. i have to be mentally prepared to watch it. you will have huge set backs at moments i am sure. but you called your mom. that is good. it may take a while but use HIM to bring you back. use HIM to heal your heart. it is hard to start but there is the beginning. hugs

Colleen - May 3, 2011 - 1:22 pm

To the strong friend that I have never met… If I could carry your pain for a while, just to give you a break for a bit to catch your smile, I would.

But I am proud of you for you are doing it… you are living. One moment, one breathe at a time.

Btw… I still struggle watching that dang movie. I have yet to make it all the way through. That movie is like jumping right into the deep end. When I was grieving, I was more of a Anne of Green Gables kind of girl. It was light and refreshing in that world-is-gonna-be-okay kind of way.

Nikole - May 4, 2011 - 10:18 am

Dear Val ~
I went to school with Wayne and my husband died in November of 2010; just 5 short months ago.

I just wanted to say to you this ~ the “YOU ARE NOT ALONE” song…. I listen to that over and over and over and sometimes the meaning is the same, other times it is exactly what it was the time before. Not easy.

Alan and I also have 2 children. Ages 14 and 11. His death was sudden and accidental. And AWFUL. We were together from the time I was 14 and he was 16. I FEEL your PAIN. EVERY DAY.

The larger part of the reason behind my comment is this ~ I have learned so far that there are “NO RULES,” and whatever you have to do to BREATHE every day is OKAY! It just is. I also can say this much to you that I completely understand. Praying is not easy. And really…… when others say they are praying for you, believe that they are. Because truly, they ARE, especially when you cannot pray for yourself.

Thank you for your blog. I think it’s amazing. We do what we have to and there is NO TIME LIMIT.

Nikole

Susan - May 4, 2011 - 3:30 pm

Val,
I have been reading your blog for a little while now. Your story has touched my heart, because my best friend just went through what you have. She lost her husband last week of cancer. She has two children as well, ages almost 4 and 1.5 years old. I read your blog to see how your doing and to see what phases of grief and recovering your are going through. I know every story is different, but I think it will help for when my friend goes through these stages. I think you have been doing fabulous considering your circumstances, and you are a wonderful mother to your children. I really admire how you have been dealing with what has happened. I will continue to follow as I have a vested interest in what is happening to you and your kids and I don’t even know you. (((HUGS)))

Cathy M. - May 8, 2011 - 8:35 pm

we will pray for you Val until you can pray again…and you will. many prayers being sent your way. hugs, Cathy

In the Moment | Valerie Koop

{ You Are Not Alone. }