I can take pictures all day. I can bake and cook and clean and dance around the house to music with the kids.
I cannot make a memory scanner.
I don’t know how to use power tools.
I can’t throw a football.
Caeden is starting to notice.
I think we are both starting to come around at the same time. Me noticing that he is noticing.
Both of us blinking at each other and thinking, “What just happened here?”
Today while running errands we had this sort of a conversation:
C: I don’t like our family. I liked it when Daddy was here. He does things better than you. He knew how to use a chainsaw (news to me) and all you know how to do is use your laptop.
V: (You don’t want to know how hard this was to hear. Mostly because it is true.) Tell me what you mean, Caeden.
C: (He’s looking out the window) I just want you to be more like Dad.
V: Silence. Although there were a few words I would have loved to blurt out, I am working on my horrific potty mouth and somehow did not throw a fit. Go me. Ugh.
The thing is, I am afraid that am not going to be enough.
And before you say that YES, I AM ENOUGH, we both know that I am not.
A boy needs his father.
More than a spaced out, numb, doing the best I can but still sucking at it, Mom who just takes pictures and paints a pretty picture but has no interest in learning how to use a chainsaw (?!).
I’m afraid how Caeden is going to feel when he starts looking around at all the other kids that still have their Dads. When he sees them playing catch, kicking the soccer ball, shooting baskets, going fishing, mowing the yard.
How great is a Mom that can paint toe nails to a 6 year old boy?
One step forward, two steps back sums it all up nicely these days.
I’ll never forget the look on his face as he blurted out how he really feels.
Feeling safe to do it when we’re all UNABLE to look at each other in the eye.
Today I have failed him.
Today is a two step back kind of day.
(Taking the comment feature off today.)