Mar 22 2011

{ good morning sunshine … }

This is where you find me in the mornings. After the kids have settled into morning cartoons (I admit it), I wander into my office. The sun shines bright through the windows and it’s my favorite place to be at 7 am. Besides bed, mind you. I am pretty proud of myself as I set up my computer (easy), reset the router (not easy considering I didn’t even know where the central router was located until last night [in a closet in the basement]), made Wayne’s HP Printer play nice with my Mac (install a driver, not rocket science) … but still. I did it alone. The sum total is what I am proud of, you know?

I want to hang pictures all over the back wall. Every different size and color of frame. Family pictures, the kids’ artwork, touching and colorful cards, etc. I saw the idea in an Anthropologie catalog a few months back and I can’t stop thinking about how I love the look. For now, I have my Kansas City Plaza piece (purchased during Christmas time years and years ago), and a few pictures mounted on styrene (makes them stiff so they can be propped around the house without the need of an easel or frame).

I want to paint my desk aqua. Wanting to and actually DOING it turn out to be two totally different things, however.

Just trying to figure out what I need (storage like bookcases: I keep looking on Craigslist for some used ones to paint a cheery yellow. Addicting.)

One of my favorite characteristics of Claire Bear. Her love of shoes (doesn’t get this from me as I prefer flip flops year ’round). But how can you NOT be a good mood when you something like her coming towards you? Yellow, sunshine goodness all wrapped around a soft little girl asking for a hug. Love her.

And Caeden. Busy inventing. Sketching. Planning.

He reminds me so much of myself. Perfectly happy to entertain himself and loves to stay home. Such a gentle soul.

He seems to be doing okay. Better than I thought. It’s scary to watch him move on. He doesn’t talk about Wayne, and when I bring him up, he doesn’t dwell on him like I thought he would. He and Wayne were so close. It’s so sad to see how fast he moves on. Maybe it’s his age, his ability to accept things as they happen, or maybe he just felt like Wayne was gone a long time ago when his ability to interact with the kids faded…

Whatever it is, it scares me. So I tell stories. I bring up Wayne’s name, memory, etc. all the time like it is no big deal.

“Daddy loved building things for you. Bet would build you a real brain scanner out in the garage.”

Caeden responds, “Oh that’s okay. Grandpa has it covered.”

Not sure what to do with that?

Posted in After, Caeden, Claire, Finding Val.

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Carisa - March 22, 2011 - 10:56 am

Nothing to do about Caedens memories of Wayne. It okay if he has let him go and doesn’t miss him. It normal and healthy. I know for adults it feels sad to let someone go but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that when Waynes ability to interact changed that was probably harder to process that have Wayne actually gone. Caeden will miss him later in life, when the two of disagree or when he has a question only a dad should answer. But for now, it’s okay that he doesn’t miss Wayne. The reality is that life probably feels normal for him for the first time in a very long time. There should be no shame or guilt or sadness in that. For any of you. Consider it one of the blessing that has come from this tragedy.
Love you, sweetie!!

Julie Roberts - March 22, 2011 - 11:35 am

precious. I’d love to be able to be a kid again. to be able not to worry about tomorrow and everything else in the day. i miss that about being a kid. I too agree that you’ve been through so much these past several years and caeden may be feeling some calming after the storm even though his fathers gone, he may be feeling comfort with life getting back to a new normal. i love your labels finding val and the process you are going through to try and get there. praying for you!

elizabeth pellette - March 22, 2011 - 1:07 pm

I think kids handle things process things differently.. it doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss him though.. its just his way of processing it all. Its his new normal.. hang in there girl..

Shelby - March 22, 2011 - 1:14 pm

What I love most about this post is….I can NOW totally picture Caeden explaining in detail how a brain scanner works. LOL….he had me totally intrigued by his time machine and how it works. You have the SWEETEST and smartest chickens. xoxo

Carissa W. - March 22, 2011 - 1:27 pm

Claire could make anyone smile. She is the cutest! Love the jammies and rain boots! It’s overcast here in KC today, so her photo makes this gloomy Tuesday much brighter. Love the painting…it is my view every day. Well, I have to turn around and peek through my blinds. But it does make coming to work a little better. I’m sure you have many KC friends, but you always have another in me. Always thinking of you, Caeden, and Claire.

Lita - March 23, 2011 - 8:18 am

I love seeing your photos and reading your words. There’s a blog called young house love that you might like? They just did a whole wall of photos and I thought of that in reading your blog. Their style may not be exactly like yours but they’re creative and they are all about doing things inexpensively.

I hope you can find a smile or two today.

Chris - March 23, 2011 - 9:07 am

Valerie – I have been so touched by your story and writing. I can’t even imagine the pain you are feeling. But I think you are doing a wonderful job with your children. Caeden’s comment proves that. I have faith that in time, God will heal your heart. I’m sorry that it takes so long. It’s a testament to your love for Wayne. Hang in there.

Mirys - March 24, 2011 - 7:36 am

Val:

My oldest one (Bill – 5y-old) just moved on very very fast. And he was not “prepared” for that or have been away from his father till the D day (it was a car accident, in my case). So… I think it is just the age!

At this point of life, they (kids) make no plans. And I think that it is just the “plans for the future” part that kills us (the wives). I cant stop thinking of sooooo many things we still have to do with our husbands… the undone trips… the untold words… the uneaten dinners. Kids dont have that. They live the day! They don´t plan the future. So they are not “disappointed” at life.

Better this way, I think so…

Kisses and blessings.
Mirys
http://www.diariodos3mosqueteiros.blogspot.com
from Brazil

In the Moment | Valerie Koop

{ good morning sunshine … }