Three weeks ago tonight Wayne passed away. Does it sound morbid to keep bringing up the dates? It probably does. It just feels like an instant and a lifetime all at once.
This morning was the first time since he passed that I opened the windows in the living room. Let the sun shine into the house; I am ready to tell you something.
Since he passed, I have been waiting for him to come back to me. In my crazed state, I thought for sure he’d flick the lights on and off or turn my iPod on to our song or something else equally obvious.
It happened. But in a completely different way. And before I start, I KNOW I sound like a lunatic. I KNOW you probably think I am reaching the point of no return or am looking for things that aren’t there. But all I can say is, with absolute conviction in my heart, it happened.
I was in our bathroom. I had large, black trash bag and I was throwing away most everything on his side. Old razors, old medications, unused bandages for his port, chemotherapy-hazard kits (in case of spillage), old shampoo that he hadn’t used for 2 years since he never had enough hair…
All the while, crying so hard that I could hardly catch my breath. I’d smell his soap. I’d use his lotion.
Little by little, I cleared his vanity and in the end, his drawers sat empty and clean.
I wandered over to my side. Looked into the crammed drawers and thought to myself … “an entire bathroom all to myself” … feeling guilty that the sobs had subsided and had eased into … AN ENTIRE BATHROOM ALL TO MYSELF (cannot believe I just admitted that).
I was bent over the second drawer. My hair was in my face and I was busy gathering rubberbands and bobby pins and all things hair related when I saw him out of the corner of my eye.
I saw him out of the corner of my eye.
And I froze.
I said, “I see you. I know if I look up you won’t be there … so I’m not looking.”
And in the stillness of the room, tears fell from my eyes and plopped into the drawer that I had just been cleaning.
I started to talk to him, in fast bursts of thought. It went along the lines of:
“I love you. I miss you more than I thought possible…
“Please don’t ever leave me alone. Please, please, please …
“I am so sorry for failing you all the times that I failed.
“I don’t want to there to be an “after you.” I don’t want this life.
“Come back. Please, just come back.
“I will love you all the days of my life and I can’t believe you left me alone. Why did you leave me alone?”
When I started to repeat myself and ramble, I felt him leave. I felt him go.
I stood up and braced myself against the counter top and tried to collect my thoughts.
Was I crazy?
What WAS that?
And this feeling, this incredible wave of feeling came over me.
Goosebumps over goosebumps and waves and waves and waves that didn’t stop.
I couldn’t catch my breath and I really didn’t want to.
I swear to you it lasted a minute or more. Wave and after wave after wave.
And when it was all done.
When he was finished with me, I felt the most amazing sense of peace.
I KNEW he was with me that day just like I know he is here with me right now.
I miss him but today I opened all the windows.
And my camera batteries are charging.
Have you looked at all the goodness happening right now?
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Check out Denise and Company over at Matilda Jane.
The auction humbles me. Stuns me. I will forever work to be worthy of such friendships.